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When asked about their feelings rather than their bodies, the couples taught me a diagnostic system based on the systems nature of sexual response. They taught that everyone in every marriage has sexual problems sometimes, and realizing this dynamic nature of human sexual response helped me to learn with the couples to view problems in a wellness rather than a pathology mode. There could be no “good” sex if there was no “bad” sex, just as health has no meaning without illness.

The couples also taught me that sexuality was related to all of life not just their sexual interaction or coitus. You will note that everyone of the early-perspective sex terms was based on a coital model, penetration of vagina and energy release without pain in an appropriate time frame. The following chart is based on the lessons of the spouses in the super marital sex program. Look for the area that you might like to focus on in your own therapy program.

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“If God wanted sex to be fun, He wouldn’t have included children as punishment.”

ED BLUESTONE

Super Marital Sex Rule: The kids do not come first!

I don’t remember how it was before we had kids. I’m sure we must have done something then, but I can’t remember what it could have been. They seem to be everything now.

    HUSBAND

Kids are a unique pressure and joy for marriages, so I have separated the “kid factor” from the ten items above. They deserve their own category, for they are the worst and the best thing that happens to a marriage. I maintain that kid priority has overburdened American marriage, resulting in doing for instead of with our children, applauding only them instead of each other. We fall victim to “P-M-S,” parent manipulation syndrome by our children.

This child focus has an additional twist. Once the child focus dominates a marriage at the expense of the marital relationship, even the parents themselves can become infantalized, childlike in their own behavior and orientation to life. Husbands begin to buy their own toys, to expect to be mothered by their wives, cheered at Softball games, tolerated in their own immaturity. Wives become princesslike, protected, cared for, and idealized. Soon everyone in the family is behaving more like a set of siblings than parents and children.

As many marriages fail because of children as children fail because of faulty marriages. Until we learn that children are not special, but equal in importance to all of us, until we learn that we must not lead our lives and our marriages for children, but with them, we sacrifice our marriages, our own development. After all, wasn’t one of your greatest wishes that your own parents would be happy? Think of giving that gift to your children.

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