For the bereaved person, there is no right way to handle mourning. The right way is the way which suits the person. Victor Hugo had been consistently unfaithful to his mistress of many years, Juliette Drouet, but when she died he wrote, ‘There is so much mourning in my life that there are no feast days any more’. Some people, bereaved and sad, remove all traces of the dead person from their house, and never speak of him. Others keep the house exactly as it was when the loved one died. Others appear callously indifferent; they seek as many experiences, sexual or other, as they can achieve, during the bereavement period. None of the ways of coping is wrong; the one you have chosen is the way that suits you.
Bereavement in old age may well be deeper in its impact than in younger people, because of the unspoken, unacknowledged support which existed between two old people. Its severity can be reduced if the couple have talked about the possibility and have arranged their affairs, so that the formalities are reduced to the minimum. The distress will be reduced further if they have made arrangements to limit the burdens of day-to-day living, by preparing for the event.
*379/16/1*
If the marriage has ceased to be one of total commitment (or, at least, one which has a number of vital, exciting aspects) and if this has been replaced by passivity, or by hidden conflicts, the menopausal woman may feel unwanted and rejected, and become emotionally brittle.
Many men are unaware that their behaviour, or their reaction to the woman’s behaviour, may aggravate the emotional upset. Many men are unaware that the woman may have hostile feelings towards them, because of lack of sensitivity, or apparent disinterest in what she is doing. It may be helpful, rather than destructive, if these feelings are shown openly.
They can start readjusting to each other by doing together things that they both enjoy, such as gardening or going out for a meal, or visiting the cinema or theatre.
It is important that they re-examine their sexual relationship, and talk with each other so that they become more sensitive lovers.
If their relationship becomes strong enough to survive the turbulent middle years, they can look forward to an even closer relationship as they grow older. It also seems that the more outside interests each partner has, provided that these do not take precedence over the relationship, the stronger is the bond between the couple. Of course, a balance has to be obtained, and this can only be achieved if the couple talk to each other.
*332/16/1*
Even today many people are worried that women should express their desire for, and equality in, sexuality in strong terms.
Others decry the sexual manuals which explain that variety in sexual techniques is normal, and do not insist on penile-vaginal intercourse as the only proper way of sexual expression. To many people, sexual pleasuring by masturbation, fellatio, and cunnilingus is unnatural and shameful; they would prefer human sexuality to be mainly for the purpose of procreating children.
In this cultural atmosphere it is little wonder that many people perceive homosexuality as disgusting or obscene. Homosexual relationships cannot lead to procreation and cannot include penile-vaginal union. They must, therefore, be doubly unnatural, erotically hedonistic, and a threat to the fabric of society. Those who subscribe to these opinions find support in the Judaeo-Christian religions.
*286/16/1*
There are two types of impotence. In the first, the man has never been able to obtain or maintain an erection and consequently has never been able to have sexual intercourse. This is called primary impotence. In the second type, the man has enjoyed sexual intercourse, and has had firm erections, but finds that he can no longer achieve an erection or have sex.
Primary impotence is caused, most frequently, by a strictly moralistic rearing in which sex, except for procreation, is thought evil. The story of Ron demonstrates this. Ron was a man of 24 who had married at 22 and had consistently failed to achieve an erection. He was a serious man who had been brought up by strict parents of firm, almost fundamental, religious convictions. As an adolescent boy he had had wet dreams and had been punished by his father for self-abuse. His bed was inspected each morning after the episode for further evidence of his evil sexual indulgences. He had obtained no information about sex, beyond the opinion that it was dirty, should only take place between married people and then only to procreate children. Within the family his mother had been dominant, and her influence over Ron was marked. He had had no sexual contacts before marriage and, in fact, very few dealings with girls. He had met his wife at a church social. She was as sexually inexperienced as he was. Their courtship had been austere in the extreme, and the maximum body contact between them had been to hold hands and occasionally to exchange a chaste kiss. The honeymoon was a disaster. Both partners lacked sexual knowledge, both were tense, both believed that sexual indulgence was carnal, not spiritual. After two years of futile attempts to have sexual intercourse, Ron sought help.
*239/16/1*
The effect of an extramarital sexual relationship on the marriage is generally damaging, and usually one or all of the people involved is hurt; although in a few instances the ‘affairs’ may induce the married partners to communicate with each other, so that after the initial trauma the marriage is enhanced rather than diminished.
In most extramarital relationships the pride of the uninvolved partner is damaged and, if the marriage continues, a period of agonizing readjustment is needed.
In our society, the damage to a man’s pride seems greater if he finds his wife is having an extramarital relationship, because many men still perceive their wives as sex-objects, to be possessed by them exclusively.
Although most extramarital affairs are initially exciting because of the novelty, the ‘conquest’, and the opportunity to relate to another person in an intimate way, with time they often turn out to be less fulfilling and pleasurable. The tensions increase for both participants, as neither seems to be able to extricate him or herself without hurting the other.
This knowledge is unlikely to reduce the frequency of extramarital affairs; and their effect, as Rosenzweig has written, ‘must await more extensive knowledge as to the individual and social consequences, than is presently available’.
*192/16/1*